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Jokes can help heal. Use these and other jokes to bring smiles to the staff and patients/residents you work with. Send additional bad jokes.


What do you call a cow with one leg? answer: Lean Beef
What do you call a cow with a twitch? answer: beef jerky
What do you call a cow stuck in a barbed wire fence? answer: utter destruction

two part joke-
how do you catch a unique rabbit? answer: you 'neek' up on it.
how do you catch a tame unique rabbit? answer: tame way you 'neek' up on it.

what did the gangsta say when the houses fell on him? answer: get up off me homes

two part joke:
why do elephants paint their toenails red? answer: to hide in the strawberry patch.
have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch? answer: works doesn't it?

why were the strawberries all upset? answer: they were in a jam
(submitted by Erin Grover of University Nuropsychiatric Institute)


Why did the turkey cross the road? Answer: To prove he wasn't chicken.
Why did the boy throw the clock out the window? Answer: He wanted to see time fly.
What did the cookie say to the watermelon? Answer: Nothing, cookies can't talk.
(Bernadette M. on February 13, 2011)

Why was tigger looking down the toilet??
A: Because he was trying to find Pooh!! Ha ha, i love that joke!!
(submitted by Katy Hogden of Hull University)

Why did the chicken cross the road?
He had to report to work at KFC. :)
(submitted by Gordon Antone of Standing Stone School)
What do you call a cow that just gave birth to a calf?

(submitted by Stephen Bene)

A Passover Joke:
A Rabbi From Spain, Just Before Passover, Alarmingly Telephones A Rabbi From Isreal, To Notify Him Of A Shortage Of Chrain (Horseradish).  The Rabbi From Isreal Resassures Him Not To Worry, He Will Send The Needed Chrain To Spain.  When The Rabbi From Spain Does Not Receive His Chrain, He Telephones The Rabbi In Isreal.  The Rabbi From Isreal Says I Am Sorry To Inform You, We Have A Major Air Plane Strike In Isreal.  Unfortunately At This Time, “THE CHRAIN FOR SPAIN IS MAINLY ON THE PLANE.”
(Submitted by Arnie Idelson on 4-2-09)

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh (get it, no I's)
(submitted by Samantha on October 30, 2009)

A man in his 90's, for a Special Birthday Gift from his Grandsons, is sent a Stripper to his home to entertain him.  After she rings the bell of his home, she informs him that his grandsons sent her as a special birthday gift, to provide her services.  The grandfather asks her, " What do you do?"  She said ,"I can provide you "Sup-er Sex".  “He says, “Look, I'm 98 years old, I'll take the Soup!"
(Submitted by Arnie Idelson CTRS, LCAT, CPRP on 8-2-08)

What is the first letter of the word Yellow?
What is the first letter of the word Yellow?
(DW of Veranda on March 22, 2006)

What did God say to the man on the moon?
Kneel Armstrong! (a.k.a. ""Neil Armstrong!)
(Submitted by Marisa Jordan of Royal Ottawa Hospital)

What did the mother buffalo say to her child as he left for school?...Bison!
(submitted by David of Asbury~Solomons)

Why was Cinderella so lousy at baseball? Who could blame her, she had a pumkin for a coach and was always running from the ball!
(submitted by David of Asbury~Solomons)

Why did Snoop Dogg need an umbrella? Fo Drizzle

What do you have on your patio that is Irish? PATTY O'FURNITURE
(submitted by Bonnie Knudson of Highland Cove Assisted Living)

What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a spider? A hairnet.
(submitted by Debra Cordell of University of Evansville)

Why don't ducks carry spare change? They all have "bills".
(submitted by Chester Southard of North Texas State Hospital)

What did one frog say to the other? Time sure if fun when you're having flies.
(submitted by Heather Singh)

What does an agnostic dyslexic do when experiencing insomnia? ANSWER: Sit up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
(submitted by Andrea Wilson of City of Scottsdale)

Why did the one handed man cross the road?? ANSWER: cause the second hand store was across the street.
(submitted by Carla-Jo McGuire, Alberta, Canada)

Why do people wear perfume and cologne to church? ANSWER: Because they sit on pews. (submitted by Kim Amentt)

Why do cowboys ride horses? ANSWER: Because they are too heavy to carry.
(submitted by Kim Amentt)

What do you call onions and beans? ANSWER: Tear gas.
(submitted by Tina of On With Life at Glenwood)

If April showers bring may flowers, then what do May flowers bring? ANSWER: Pilgrims
(submitted by Amy Scheuer CTRS)

Why did the turtle cross the street? ANSWER: To get to the Shell station!!
(submitted by Caroline O'Brien, CTRS)

What does a car say when its time to go??? Let's motor-vate!
(submitted by Elizabeth)

fun6.gif (1758 bytes)"Why do seagulls fly over the ocean rather than the bay? ANSWER: Because than they would be bay-gulls (bagels)!
(submitted by Nicole Puchino)

A sandwich and a banana walk into a bar. They go up to the bartender and say, "Bartender, get us each a beer!" The bartender turns to them and says, "Sorry, but we don't serve food here." (submitted by Barbara Demonarco)

What do the Twilight Zone and the New York Sewer System have in common? DODODODODO!
(submitted by Kathy Engh)

Why is a bad joke like a poor pencil? Because it has no point.
(submitted by Diane Winegar)

What do you feed an invisible cat? Evaporated milk
(submitted by Diane Winegar)

Where do baby cows eat? The calf-eteria.
(submitted by Diane Winegar)

What did the wicked chicken lay? Deviled eggs.
(submitted by Diane Winegar)

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
(submitted by Tim Wheeler)

How do you get a Kleenex to dance? Put a little Boogie in it!!
(submitted by Tim Wheeler) fun7.gif (1291 bytes)

What do you call a mathematician on a frozen pond? Answer: A FIGURE SKATER!
(submitted by Becky Neeley)

A man visits his psychiatrist and says, "Iıve been having recurring dreams. One night Iıll dream Iım a teepee, the next night Iıll dream Iım a wigwam. Whatıs your diagnosis". The psychiatrist responds, "That easy, you're two tents." (get it?)
(submitted by Stan Walls)

fun2.gif (2045 bytes)What is it called when a person sings in the shower? Answer: A SOAP OPERA!!!
(submitted by Becky Neeley)

Psychiatrist to chicken: "Why do YOU think you cross the road?"
(submitted by Becky Neeley)

What did the Chinese man say when they cut off his pony-tail? Answer: "It won't be long now"
(submitted by Heather in New Jersey)

What do they use frozen band-aids for? Answer: Cold Cuts!
(submitted by Heather in New Jersey)

What did one hat say to the other hat? Answer: "You stay here I'm gonna go on a head!"
(submitted by Heather in New Jersey)

What kind of nurse would fall in love with a rich patient? Answer: A practical nurse.

What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence? Answer: Time to buy a new fence.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Answer: Finding half a worm. fun3.gif (2034 bytes)

What time is it when kids need a nap? Answer: Whine o'clock!

Define: kindred Answer: Fear of relatives.

Define: bunions Answer: Spicy breakfast rolls.

What do you get if you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a rooster? Answer: A cockapoodledoo!

What did the rabbit say when he fell into a hole filled with water? Answer "Oh, well."

Did you hear about the boxer who lost every bout? Answer: He had to go in for jab counseling

Why was the weeping willow weeping? Answer: Because he was so unpoplar.

Define: braggart. One who puts his feats in his mouth.

Why did the algae and and the fungus get married? They took a lichen to each other.

Why did the farmer teach his livestock to play poker? He wanted to see the 3 billy goats bluff

Why is the hen sitting on an axe? Answer: She wants to hatchet.

Why does a dog chase his tails? He wanted to make ends meet.

Why are you always welcome in the "Show Me" state? Answer: Because Missouri loves company.

They say laughter's the best medicine. No way, my doc would've billed me for it.

What do you get if you light a duck's tail? Answer: A firequacker. fun1.gif (1099 bytes)

How can a person be 94 on her last birthday and 96 on her next birthday? Answer: Today's her birthday.

Why are burglars so relaxed? Answer: They like to take things easy.

How do you know the Invisible Man has no children? Answer: Because he's not apparent.

Why are horses lousy dancers? Answer: They have two left feet.

What do you get if a bee falls in the meat grinder? Answer: A little humburger.

fun4.gif (3433 bytes)Define: claustrophobia. Answer: Fear of Santa Claus.

What are cow hides chiefly used for? Answer: To hold cows together!

What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands? Answer: Kangaroo

Why did the class clown spend the whole night crawling around on the playground? Answer: He lost his marbles!

What award did the inventor of the door knocker win? Answer: The No-Bell prize.

What do you call that great feeling you get when you finish your homework? Answer: The aftermath!

What do you call someone who plays basketball in a shirt and tie? Answer: A gym dandy.

What color is a cheerleader? Answer: Yeller!

What subject do snakes like? Answer: Hiss-tory!

fun5.gif (940 bytes)Why didn't the skeleton want to be a recreation specialist? Answer: His heart wasn't in it!

What kind of school do you have to drop out of to graduate? Answer: Parachute school!

Why did the two wrestlers have to fight in the dark? Answer: Their match wouldn't light!

What do you do if you smash your toe? Answer: Call a toe truck.


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updated 09/23/99


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